Scared

It's so easy to make plans when you think that you can control time and everything else that is happening in the world. I admit that recently, I have been making a lot of important decisions so fast that one day I woke up realizing my life is really a lot different from how it used to be more than 1 year back. Not to say that my life before was better. Better is not necessarily happier. The recent death of a friend of my husband just hit me particularly on my married life. He was an architect. A painter. A comic book illustrator. A husband, brother and child. But never a father. He was about 36 years old. I know that basing one's important decisions on others' misfortunes is idiotic but I am honestly making a lot of thinking. What if I suddenly die? What if we don't have a kid? What if we have a child now and postpone the plans of buying a cheap car? What if I am not ready to become a mom? What if I fail to raise a good child? There are a lot of what if's. I am totally confused and disillusioned. I have always thought of myself as someone who knows what she wants and would do what is needed to get it. But now, I do not have an idea what I want anymore. I am praying to God that He gives me the answers at a time when He knows that I am ready to understand. I am just so freaking scared.